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“Please don’t let them give you my other prescription,” I texted him. Please don’t bring home the prenatal vitamins. Instead of a bag of medicine to nourish a baby, my husband brought me home the kind to let go of the one that was no longer there. Like last time , my body hadn’t quite got the message that something was wrong; it was still trucking along, churning out hormones and building up a lovely little gestational sac for an inhabitant that had slowly disappeared like the quiet, struggling flicker of the heartbeat I had seen on the screen. When he got home, the package was open. My husband explained he had panicked halfway through his drive home and torn through the paper bag just to make sure its contents wouldn’t hurt me in any other way than they were supposed to. It’s almost silly the things that can serve as triggers with a miscarriage , isn’t it? From the orders we forgot to cancel, the gifts that still arrived, and the advertisements that insist on filling our inboxes and mailboxes to the work bathroom we bled in, life after loss feels like a minefield navigating the unexpected things that will hurt us with fresh pain all over again. This time, I know the pain will come again when I least expect it. I have tried to protect myself from it in the only ways I knew how. I deleted the pregnancy app.
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